Understand
by Jin-Chan16
Summary: No one understood his thoughts, his brother said they would go away in time. There still there and so is Usagi-san, but for how long? M for graphic depressing thoughts, thoughts of suicide and adult content.


I made this for people like me. I do not own anything related to Junjou Romantica at all.

_This is for inner thoughts._

* * *

"Misaki, please," Takahiro put his head in his head, rubbing his temples as I stood before him, "look whatever you're feeling I promise will go away. Trust me, I used to be a teenager too, it'll pass, just stick with your studies for now ok?" I nod, my chocolate brown hair covering my watering eyes.

Without a word I turned and left, unknown to Nii-chan the tears that flooded the corners of my eyes as I went upstairs to my room. Why didn't he get it, why did the only person I really depend on not understand when I said I didn't feel right. I don't feel happy, or excited about_ anything_, I don't feel motivated or up to anything like I used to.

My mind keeps sending me to a dark place where there is no future, where there's barely a now, where nightmares are more true than imagination, where I'm surrounded by cold. I hate it, I hate how my mind drilled in all these thoughts, I hate how no matter how loud my music is, no matter how busy I am, those thoughts will enter my head and fester horrible thoughts and images that haunt me even in my sleep and in my day dreams. I'm frightened...no terrified, everything I imagine is terrible and awful, all of what I see in that dark dark place has me in it, doing all those terrible things.

Sometimes they're blurry, other times they are crystal clear and can be so vivid they leave me in a cold sweat, I don't know what to do with all these thoughts. Once I thought about righting them down, but then I thought about someone finding them, that wouldn't be good at all. I thought about drawing to help with the thoughts, but I can't draw for the life of me, they always come out as stupid looking stick figures. So they began to grow inside of my head, they surround me no matter where I am or who I'm with, I detest it; because I had to learn how to fake a smile and laugh like an idiot, because I can't confide in anyone. I'm drowning, I know that much, I'm drowning in this soggy pillow that has begun to suffocate me with my puddling tears and choking sobs.

Maybe it will all go away.

* * *

When I moved in with Usagi-san years later, I thought that all of those thoughts would go away, that Usagi-san was my cure that would fix everything and make me feel happy. That was the lie I fed myself when I woke up to find him in his study. That was the assurance I told myself when Usagi-ani and Usagi-chichi would tell me to move on. That was the slowly dying phrase I had begun to doubt throughout the months that had become years. My mind was becoming dark again, I'm slipping back into those thoughts, but they were stronger now.

_No they aren't, they don't exist, they never existed._

They were coming into my head like snakes, twisting around my head and laying thoughts of morbid horrors that left me laying in bed with a puddle of tears underneath me. The puddle that Usagi-san never notices, the tears that he never sees, he's too busy to see, he doesn't want to see.

_There's nothing to see, I'm fine, I've always been fine. There are no tears, I'm fine, I'm happy, I'm fine._

They were worse than Isaka, worse than Haruhiko, worse than Usagi-ani, because they never went away, they were in my dreams showing me everything I needed to do, everything I wanted to do. They are my reminder of what I always have in my mind, they were the silent voices that would never leave me. Not like me parents, not like me brother, not like Usagi-san, no, they were with me always, always, always.

_There are not. There are no voices. There are no dreams. There are no images. There are nothing. Usagi-san is here with me, he'll always be here with me. The voices don't exist. They don't exist. They don't exist._

"Misaki," my head jerks, looking at Usagi-san in mild surprise, he looks a little worried as he places his cool hand over my forehead.

"Are you alright, you don't look so good,"

"_I'm not ok, I'm not ok, I'm not ok_, I'm fine Usagi-san, just a little tired is all," I smile, I _lie_ assure him that I'm ok, ushering him to sit down so I can make breakfast. Stir, stir, stir, pour, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, sizzle, sizzle, whisk, sizzle, flip, done.

I set the plate of bacon and an omelet in front of him before taking a seat across from him, buttering up my toast before eating, it's quiet like a lot of our mornings, we don't speak because we're either too tired or enjoy this silence. I bask in it, it won't be this quiet for long.

"Do you have classes today?" He asks, taking a bite out of the omelet.

"No, not today at least," I say, the crust grinds against my cheeks before it goes down in scratchy swallows, "It'll give me time to work on homework," he nods.

"Aikawa has given me some time off, we could have an early dinner and rent some movies if you'd like," I stop, _he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me_ he wants to get closer to me because we've been drifting away since his father, he wants to hold me because he wants to pretend we'll be forever. I look at my plate, the crumbs could be like the beads we used to have in elementary school. I could spell them out into six letters, _dieing_ family, _lonely_ loving. "Misaki?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah it sounds like fun," I smile, he smiles back before picking up his plate and taking it to the kitchen, when did he finish it?

"I'll have to drop something off at the office, will you be ok while I'm gone?" He asks, he's already putting on his jacket.

_No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't go, don't go, don't go, I'll die_ Of course I'll be ok on my own, I've been alone before, I'm fine. "Yeah, I'll clean up a little while you're gone," He walks back over, pecking me on the lips, once, twice, I'm kissing back, his hands are on me.

"W-Wait," his mouth moves past my lips to my chin and then my jaw, I'm gasping, "w-what about...mm...about the office," his jacket slips off, his arms are wrapping around me _please no, I can't do this, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't_ I want more of him, I want to feel normal, I want to feel him.

"It can wait," he whispers in my ear, I'm trembling, I _can't_ can do this, I'm _not_ strong enough to feel him, I love him, I want him, I don't want him to go _I want him to see how much pain I'm in_ because I love him_ because I need him_.

He picks me up, I wrap my arms around his neck, he carries me to the couch it's the closest thing_ it's where we first made love_, he kisses me tenderly running his hand over the top of my thighs, up my hips where I can feel his cold hands through the fabric of my shirt. I cling to him as his hand slips up my shirt, goosebumps follow his fingers all the way to my nipple, he pinches it and I bite back a moan, I cling to him as he slips my shirt over my head. He lowers his mouth to my chest, my body is alive and on fire, my blood is rushing everywhere like a wildfire, my head tilts back as I let the sensations take over me. His hand slithers down my chest through the valley of my stomach and then just above my abdomen, I'm arching into the touch I crave for, his fingers are just above my waist band. "Misaki," his voice is low, I swallow hard, I want him _I need him, _"Open your eyes,"

Hesitantly, I force my eyes open, I hadn't realized I had closed them till now, he's smiling as he unbuttons my pants, my legs are shaking with anticipation, the zipper goes down and I can almost feel his fingers ghost over my erection. "Please," I sound so _weak_ needy.

He lowers his mouth to mine, we catch ourselves as we kiss, he goes to my chin, then to my neck, my collarbone, my chest, my stomach, my abdomen, my thigh-

"Usagi-san," I'm breathless, he's around me, warm and moist, I'm lost in this river of bliss, my nerves are on edge, I'm spiraling into nothing. I'm close to completion, I'm so close to where he's bringing me, my heart's hammering in my chest, I can't hold on for much longer, "Usagi-san!"

It's the final jerk that makes me reach that point of climax, my body trembles and squirms as I go into shock waves of spasms and euphoria. I gasp as the glow fades enough for me to realize that he's on top of me again, gently rubbing my chest affectionately, "We'll finish up later," he kisses me one more time, and I can taste my experience on his lips.

Before I can say anything, before my senses return, the door shuts.

It's quiet again._ He's gone, he's taken what he's wanted and gone, gone, gone_ He's busy, so of course he'd have to leave in such a hurry, I stand on wobbling knees and walk upstairs, I need a shower. The water warms and I wait, taking off my pants and boxers, I look in the mirror hickeys are scattered around my collarbone and chest in a variety of shapes and colors, some small and deep purple others larger with a red tint. I run my hand down them, they show_ that I'm easy and will do anything because I just want someone to love me_ that Usagi-san needs to be more gentle when we do stuff like that because I don't want anyone to see them. I step into the shower, _I want to scrub myself raw and make the top layer of skin go away, I want all the filth to go away but I'm SO dirty_ it's relaxing, calming even, the water beating against me makes my muscles lax, I think I might take a nap when I get out.

Once I'm clean _still filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy_ I go downstairs after I put on a pair of comfortable fitting jeans and a black long sleeve shirt under a dark blue half sleeve shirt, and start cleaning, starting a load in the dishwasher and cleaning off the counter tops they need to be clean _because it shows that I'm a good lover and can take care of things like cleaning the kitchen_ because there's a bit of egg and milk I spilled and I just noticed it, so I'll have to run them over with antibacterial wipes so there is no chance of any kind of bacteria making us sick. Once that's clean I sweep up the floors and move to the living room, straightening the pillows and making sure we didn't make a mess on the couch, I vacuum the carpet and dust the rest of the house. I'll do a load of laundry when I finish my nap. I put the vacuum away after I make sure I haven't missed any spaces before going to the bedroom, I lay on the bed and relax. I can smell Usagi-san on the pillows and blankets, I wish he was here_ I wish he would hurt me because I don't deserve to be here._

I slip into a light sleep, it's the same dream, it's the same place, it's the same person, it's the same object, it's the same blood. It's in my _bathroom/bedroom/living room_, there is a_ razor blade/bottle of pills/ small hand gun_ in my hand, I'm _drowning/shaking/hoping_ as I _cut/swallow/aim_. Then Usagi-san comes in, I'm _slipping away/ begining to die/ dead _in the _bathroom/bedroom/living room_, he's crying, holding onto me, pulling me _out of the tub/ into his arms/ close to him without making too much blood stain the carpet_. He tells me he loves me and he needs me, he whispers his soul into my ear and tells me all of the painful words that sting my remaining spirit, I watch as he cries and cries and cries and begs for this not to be real and that he loves me and will change everything. Then he stops, the world has become still as cold violet eyes lock with mine, he isn't suppose to see me but he does, "Wake up Misaki,"

I jump up in a straight position, I am not dreaming anymore, I am awake and lucid, my heart it pounding and my head is spinning, I hate these dreams. I pull my knees to my chest, no I can't do that, I stand and go downstairs because I need to clean_ I can't cry, I can't break down because I'm not suppose to._ I grab the hamper and grab as many clothes as I can and shove them in the washing machine, I wish_ I could go with them in that tiny little chamber and let the scolding water burn me and toss me around viciously and then an hour later be taken out and left for the gentle wind to caress_ that it didn't always take so long to wash the clothes, it almost seems like a waste of money. I shake my head, these thoughts aren't suppose to be here,_ they don't exist, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine _but they do and they are taunting me and torturing me, I wish they would go away.

_But they won't they'll haunt me and tell me I'm horrible and stupid and useless and I'll listen to them all and drink into their words and let them carve their names into my arms, chest, stomach, legs because I know that they are all true_ They aren't real, they don't exist and I'm ok, I'm always ok I've never not been ok and that's how it will always be because I am a good college student who will graduate in less than two years and still be in love with Usagi-san who will also still love me. _No he'll move on and find a prettier boy, one with prettier eyes who will look at him with adoration and love and devotion and care, who will be so certain when he tells him he loves him when they make love or go to bed or just out of the blue to assure him, who will hug him passionately and kiss him chastely because I can't do that, I will never be able to do that because I'm useless and should have died years ago_ He'll still be here with me and I'll still be making his breakfast and dinner and being molested by him because he thinks he owns me and secretly he does but I will never tell him that because his pride and ego are too big as it is.

_My world is shaking, the voices are talking to me and I'm trying to talk to myself, the washer is louder than ever, it's banging against the wall and floor and if it continues there will be a hole in the floor and a huge dent in the wall because the stupid thing ran so violently and all those sheets will float out and wrap around me and squeeze the life out of me because I put them in that metal death trap and now they want me to feel what they feel_ My head is pounding, I need some aspirin so that I can calm down, I don't want a sleeping pill because I'll have dream terrors again and those are scary, I'll take some pain killers and go in the living room after turning off the washer and I'll turn on the television and relax to a kid show because nothing bad ever, ever, ever happens in kids' shows. I go to the kitchen, I can still hear the washer as I pull out the bottle of aspirin and dump two out _I want the entire bottle_ I need some water because the pills are chalky and will leave a bad, bad taste in my mouth. I screw the cap shut and put it away, slamming the cabinet door to show that I don't want it. I sip the two pills down, I feel them tumble down my throat and then slip past everything on their way down before they go into my stomach, but their already in my bloodstream as they dissolve in stomach acid, they sizzle sizzle sizzle till they disappear and the medicine kicks in. I open the dish washer and see that there is a knife hanging out from the silverware container, it's shiny and the steam makes it glow, it sneaks it's way into my hand. _There would be blood everywhere, it would fall in fat globs and stream so perfectly onto the tile floor, it would be sticky and warm but it would taste so sweet, no one would know until Usagi-san got back_ I put it in it's place in the wooden block on the counter before getting the rest of the dishes put away.

I go into the living room and pull all of the blinds shut, this isn't real, this isn't happening, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I turn off all of the lights, I don't want to hear these voices, I don't want them to be here anymore, I just want everything to be _hush hush hush_ quiet. I curl up on the couch, I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok. This isn't happening again, Usagi-san won't know it's happening, he shouldn't know _but I want him to, I want him to see how fucking insane this is, how sick and delusional I am so that he'll leave me and push me far far far off the edge._Tears are surrounding the corners of my vision, my shoulders are shaking and my legs are trembling, I wrap my arms around myself and pull my knees to my chest so that for a moment I won't feel so completely alone. I sob, it's a quiet sound, it's a shallow, meek sound, but it comes out softly once, twice, and again and a dam breaks inside of me and lets everything go. I'm shaking all over so violently I don't think I even want to hang on to my self control anymore, I sob and tears flow down till they drip down my cheeks and falls to my knees, before long my knees are drenched with my tears and I can feel that I'm stretching the fabric of the denim jeans because I've had my hands clenched around them for almost thirty minutes now.

The door opens but I can't stop shaking, I hear Usagi-san put his coat on the hanger, "Misaki," he hasn't seen me yet, "why's it so-" now he has, he rushes over, trying to get a look at me through my knees. I hold myself together tight, he wraps his arms around me and hugs me even tighter, I sob and shake, I can feel his worry, I can practically see his almost motherly worried expression but I can't tell him, I can't. "Misaki...look at me," I close my eyes tight, I don't want him to see me like this. He rests his head on my shoulder, his hands are holding me lovingly close, "at least...tell me what's wrong and I'll do what I can to make it better," I turn my head, my tears have blurred my vision and it's painful for me to know he's seeing me in my weakest state.

"Make me better," I emphasize me, "Make everything go away," the words are slipping out, "Make all of these voices stop," I wish I knew how to stop myself, "Make all of these sick, disgusting fantasies and dreams disappear," I sob somewhere in between my words, "Make me better," I grab his arm and lower my head, I'm shaking worse than before, "so I don't..." I can't say it.

He brushes my hair away from my face, he doesn't say anything, he's so quiet it's almost suffocating, I can't look at him. I can't believe I told him, I hate it when I become this way, I hate it when I become out of control like this, I hate it when I can't keep it locked inside for as long as I want. I hate it when my mind finally snaps for a minute and everything gushes out, it hurts everyone, no one should have been here for this, he should have stayed gone just a little while longer. His arms wrap around me, pulling me to his lap, I listen to his heart beat and it blocks out all the sounds of the voices, they are murmured now, I can hear their venom but I can't make out the words. He runs his hand through my hair, I feel so serene and peaceful for a moment, just for a moment.

"I love you," He says, my chest feels like someone just put the entire apartment building on it, I cling to him.

"For how long," He seems stunned by my words, "everything has a time limit. Nii-san said these feelings would go away in time, he said that years ago. I'm waiting for them to go away, but...I know that they won't be gone for a long time...but what about you? Mother and father said that they would never leave me, and they died in a car accident two weeks later. Nii-san said he'd never leave me but he moved away, I know he had to but he left and that's all that matters. So when will you stop loving me...because everything stops at some point in time." His grip on me tightens.

"I know..." I feel disappointed, I shouldn't though, I should be glad that he was honest, "but I don't think I will leave you for that. I want to spend my life with you, I've spent a year with you now and I'm so certain of that. I'm in love with all the little things you are, I love the way you laugh and smile even when I can tell that sometimes you really don't want to, you put up those little acts to keep me happy. No one else has ever done that for me. I love the way you blush sometimes when you just think about things, I love the way you idle with small things like changing the bows on my bears or doing the dishes that have already been cleaned. I love the way I can feel your heart racing when we're laying together after we have sex, or when you have a dream, even a nightmare your heart beats so fast but rhythmically. But when you wake up from those nightmares, all I want to do is hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok, I love you even when you push me away, because it just makes me determined to be closer to you." These words can't be real...he can't really be saying these things.

"I love the way you doubt yourself, only so that I can assure you and tell you that everything is going to be ok. I love the way you cry because it gives me more of a reason to hold you and tell you I love you so, so much. I love how you only look at me with so much love but so much empathy at the same time when I get home from a family event or a meeting, because I know you just want me to be happy as much as I want you to. I love the way you can be so annoyed with me but also teasing in a way, I love how you hold me from around the neck because I feel like a lover to you when it feels like your pulling me into a kiss. I love how you kiss back so slowly, how it takes you just a minute or two to submit to me and let me love you." These words can't be real...this situation...I'm not really here. I've died and now I'm in some version of the afterlife where Usagi-san is telling me all these things to my dead body.

"I love you when we make love, you invite me in so lovingly, I don't think you notice yourself. I love the way you turn your head and close your eyes, because I can see you're taking in every moment we have together. I love the way you'll look at me with much more love and passion than with lust, it makes my heart race because only you have ever truly look at me that way, and you're the only person I ever want to look at me that way." If I'm shocked that's an understatement, I've never even read something this cliche in a book, so how can he make these words into reality and pierce them into me and have me _believe_ them all, "I can't make you better, but I love you for every reason you exist, so if you need help, then I'll get you help. If you need someone to talk to, I'll help you find someone, and I'll be beside you every step of the way. As long as you can smile and laugh and love me till I'm in my grave, I'll do whatever it takes to get you there,"

There has to be a God...because nothing else would have made this man who I love so dearly...so wholeheartedly, say all of these things that have made my heart beat faster than I can imagine. Tears flow down my cheeks again, they're not as hot as before and they're more welcoming.

"My heart's breaking," I put his hand to my chest, "because I love you so," he nuzzles my neck and holds me tight. "Promise you'll stay here till the end,"

He kisses me on the lips, it lasts for so long, I can taste his cigarettes and coffee, it's forever till we pull away. He's looking me in the eyes and I'm trying not to look away out of embarrassment, "I promise,"

* * *

_People So Seldom Say I Love You, And Then It's Too Late Or Love Goes, So When I Say I Love You It Doesn't Mean I know You'll Never Go, Only That I Wish You Didn't Have To._

* * *

Tell me if you like it, I worked hard to make it. Also tell me if you like the writing style and stuff. A new chapter of _Am I Still Your's_ will be posted shortly.

Love Always,

J.C.16


End file.
